Rutland columnist Allan Grey warns of scams as he gets 'windfall of $27.5 million'

Aug 12, 2023

I couldn't wait for Thursday to come round again so I could tell you all my good news, and to let you know I’m beside myself with excitement, writes Rutland columnist Allan Grey.

Out of several billion people on planet Earth I have been chosen to receive 27.5 million dollars and invest it in good causes in my country, and although I have been sworn to secrecy until the funds are safely deposited in my bank account, I’d like to confide in you that most of it will stay in Rutland, close to home. Well very close to home, truth be told, so please stay schtum, for now, I don't want HMRC or my family to get wind.

The confirmatory email arrived the other day, and to be honest I nearly missed it. It had been hiding in my spam folder for several days, but like most folk. Every now and again you have to delve in there looking for that expected email that you can't find in your inbox, and then you find something you weren't expecting, completely out of the blue. How lucky is that?

Apparently I don't have much time and I need to reply to the email urgently, I’m not sure why, but I’m sure there's a logical reason. There will be some fees to pay before the funds are transferred, but that's just the minutiae required to smooth the passage of such a large sum, particularly from The Middle East. The email was sent to me directly by Ayesha Qaddafi, a widow with three children and the only daughter of the late Colonel Qaddafi. Ayesha is currently under political asylum protection in Oman where they’re not in need of her money... because unlike us they’ve got a shedload of oil and gas.

Now, whilst preparing this good news for you, I have to be honest, the Lovely Lady counselled caution, sensibly suggesting that this might be a scam. You know, like where vast riches are promised to exceptionally gullible people like me, from places across Africa and the Middle East. I have to say it looked pretty kosher, but to play it safe I have consulted Wikipedia. Colonel Qaddafi did have a daughter named Ayesha, it didn't say if she was predisposed to philanthropy, but then why would it? Many of these wealthy individuals like to maintain a low profile.

Apparently thousands of gullible people are caught out by all sorts of scams year on year. However, the good news for us geriatrics is that just four per cent of our over 55 age group have been scammed in recent years compared with 20 per cent in the 16 to 34 age group, so if you say to your grandchildren the word ‘gullible’ has been removed from the dictionary, the chances are they’ll probably believe you.

Given there are so many lovely gullible young folk, I am planning to create a profile that should net me squillions of dollars that I can then fritter away in the barristeries, bars and restaurants of Rutland. So how does this sound?

"In the name of the Merciful One (please substitute whichever deity you pray to), peace be upon you now and for evermore. As the only remaining direct descendent of Ghengis Khan, I am sending this message to you from Mongolia, shacked up in a tiny yurt out on the windswept steppe beyond Ulan Baatar where I am living out my final, painful days before sliding gently into the abyss. As I can't take it with me, and with a fervent wish to atone for all the nasty rampaging and pillaging my great, great, great grandfather got up to, I wish to bequeath my inheritance to you, which at last count was 30 million Mongolian Tögrögs plus VAT.

"I have chosen you specifically because I’m sure you will use these funds wisely in your local community, maybe even helping to keep a much loved sports centre open or getting hundreds of dangerous potholes filled. Kindly email me urgently at [email protected] for more details, but don't forget I need your bank details, DOB and your mother's maiden name, plus confirmation you’re good for the ten grand needed for the transfer."

So my lovely readers, what do you think? With the cost of living crisis ramping up I think anything's worth a try. The amazing thing is that there will be a proportion of the population out there, however small, that will actually fall for this patently obvious scam, so it won't take long before I’m raking in serious bucks.

Now, consider for a minute the phrase: "They’re on the spectrum." Well first of all I’d like to suggest we’re all on a spectrum, in fact we’re probably all on several spectrums. I’m definitely on the demographic spectrum (and getting rather too close to one end for comfort) but that's not the spectrum I’m interested in. I’m interested in the spectrum that has complete cynicism at one end, entirely sensible in the middle and utter stupidity at the other end, let's call it the gullibility spectrum.

I’ll leave you to mull over where you think you might be on the gullibility spectrum, but I’ll expect to hear from you shortly, or more likely your children or grandchildren… whilst I while away my final days in my Mongolian yurt.